Being a victim of family violence is never a choice

Only the person using violence can choose whether the violence stops or continues.

Women might make the choice to end the relationship, but that doesn’t mean they can end the violence. People often want to tell women to ‘just leave’ their abusers. But leaving is not always safer than staying. Women are most likely to be killed around the time that they are separating from their abusers. Of women who access Women’s Refuge, 50% believe their abusers might kill them at the time that they reach out for help.

It is important when speaking to a loved one experiencing abuse to ask the right questions and actively listen to the answers:

• “I’m worried because he seems to make you feel bad a lot the time. How safe do you feel with him?”

• “I’m wondering if you have any concerns about how he’s behaving towards you?”

• “If anything is happening at home and you don’t feel safe, I’m always up for a chat about it.”

Always affirm, believe, validate, and reflect:

• “It’s okay to talk about it here, you can tell me as much or as little as you want.”

• “I’m really glad you told me.”

• “This was not your fault.”

• “That sounds really tough.”

• “You’ve been dealing with a lot.”

When someone shares that thing are not right, gently check out the situation:

• “Are you safe right now?”

• “Would you like me to call the police?”

• “Would you like to tell me some more about that?”

• “How are you coping with that?”

If someone opens up to you about abuse they are experiencing it is important to follow-up after the conversation:

• “What’s the safest way to get in touch with you?”

• “How can I help you? Is there any practical things I can help with.”

• “Would you like me to sit with you while you call Refuge?”

It takes a lot of courage and often a lot of time to leave an abuser. It is important to be non-judgemental.  Respect your loved one’s decisions even if they decide to stay – they still need your love and support. On average it can take 7 attempts to leave for good. For more information on how to help a loved one call our crisis-line on 0800 Refuge.